One of THOSE days...

Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to throw your hands up and crawl into bed and take a nap. Like maybe waking up an hour later could make everything better? That was my day today. It seemed like nothing I could do was right. Like everyone had a problem with what I was doing.

I got a fortune cookie one of my last nights in Oklahoma. Daniel and I went to eat chinese, because China King is probably one of our favorite places to go. We have this silly ritual when it comes to the cookie. He picks mine and gives it to me, and vice versa. Then after we're both completely finished with our cookie, we read our fortunes aloud to each other. I don't necessarily believe in what it says, but it's a fun ending to the meal. Anyway, mine said, "An enjoyable vacation is awaiting you near the mountains." Seriously, fortune cookie?! How does this happen?!

So here's what I don't understand. If this "vacation" is awaiting me, when does it become enjoyable? Don't get me wrong, I love what I do here (most of the time) and I enjoy most of the people I work with. But when does being away from your family, friends, pets and everything you love become enjoyable? I just want Taco Bell, is that so hard to ask??? And when is this going to be a vacation? I thought those included rest, spas, swimming, etc. I'm still waiting on a day off! I know, I know... I shouldn't complain. I chose this life. I knew what to expect, but still that fortune totally lied to me!

I seem to have this little itty bitty problem with being a smart aleck... For those of you that are laughing right now, you obviously know me too well. I honestly don't mean to do it. I don't even realize it's rude or mean until it's already out of my mouth. So, to try to fix this problem (believe me, it's a huge problem when you're lower enlisted) I try to think about what I want to say and say it in my head five times before it comes out of my mouth. Nine times out of ten, I don't say anything because either the moment has passed or it sounds bad even in my own head and it's just better left unsaid. But the one time I do say it, it's bad. Like the words missed the small filter that I do have up there. Like the words come spewing out of my mouth like vomit. Anyway, here's the next problem. I could wake up in the morning in the best mood ever, but somehow, something gets said about my attitude, my mouth, or whatever million other things people find wrong with me. It's like I've tried and tried to change, I'm trying to be a better person, I'm trying to be nice to everyone (even if I can hardly tolerate them) but sometimes, it's hard to make a change in your self, if the people around you do not give you the ability to change. Does that make any sense? How can I change and make people see that I'm trying, if they don't give me that chance.

I had a drill sergeant that always used to say that the Army doesn't pay him enough to make friends, and in some ways, he's absolutely right. But what kind of a life is that? If you go throughout your days here, with no friends or just a few, your life will get hard quick. I would have already gone crazy if I didn't have people to talk to. Sometimes, you need to vent. I was talking about one of our fallen soldiers the other day to a friend. If you google his name (don't act like you've never googled your own), the first picture is of him feeding homeless veterans. I don't even want to think what would come up if I googled my own name. Maybe something from college or even high school sports, maybe some of my facebook pictures. But feeding homeless veterans? Teaching children how to read? Volunteering at a hospital? You're not going to see any of that. I guess what I'm saying is that I want more than anything to be a better person. I've wanted this for quite some time. But isn't that what everyone wants? I don't know too many people who wake up in the morning and WANT to be a bad person. I just think being over here has given me more of a perspective. To think about the things that really matter in my life. To think about the person that I would want my future children to know, my family to know, my friends to know. They're the most important thing in my life and I want them to be proud of me.

Anyway, it's been a long day. It's time for me to get some sleep. If you have any input, comments, concerns, advice... please comment. I love comments.